Mistakes I have Made And My Children Suffer

In the past I have made so many mistakes. I know that I have heard a million and one times the saying "If I could go back and do things differently I would change so many things". I say the same thing now that I have matured through out the years.I am not going to go into all of my mistakes I was going to list them in which order I made them however I would totally be off topic of what the real issue today is.



So one mistake is getting pregnant. I hate to say that my daughter was a mistake, but what other 17 year old girl plans to have a baby. She was one of the most beautiful babies and I thank god for her everyday, but I was not ready and she suffers.



I was 17 and very rebellious. I remember the day so clearly when I met her father, when I think of it now I am completley disgusted with the whole situation and have resentments towards my mother. Why didnt she try to arrest him and put him in jail for something. So like I said I was 17 and he was 31. The day I met him I was sitting on my front porch and he was picking his 3 kids up next door from his ex-girlfriend. He asked me if there was a pay phone around the corner so he could call the cops on her for not giving him the kids.God was I dumb!!!! So he would hang around this store around the corner all the time and he would sell drugs to the people in my town. I thought he was so cool. It just goes to show how inmature I was. So one time I asked him if he could go to the liquer store for me and my friend and get us some things to drink. Needless to say, he did it. One thing lead to another and I ended up living in Pottstown with him, his mother and father and his 15 year old son from another mother. I then got pregnant with my daughter. It was a very physical and mentally abusive relationship. He would beat the crap out of me every chance he had.



While being single I met the next mistake in my life. My sons father. One paticular moment that sticks out to me is one night sitting on my front porch with him and him telling me he wanted to have a son. I beleive this mistake was made because mentally I was so inmature and all I wanted from someone was to be loved, In my sick mind I thought that if I gave this guy a child he would be with me forever and he would love me. I wish I would have known the outcome. I wish I would have done so many things different. So I was pregnant. Sometime into the prgnancy a girl called to say she was pregnant by him also. So the whole time I was pregnant I had to deal with this other girl who was pregnant. This relationship was based on drugs. The only thing me and him had in common was drugs and co-dependency.



So these two mistakes these two major mistakes bring me to my situation tonight. My daughter has not seen her father in years. I dont receive child support for her at all and don't care to at all. She has her daddy the father to my twin girls and the man I hope to be with for the rest of my life.My sons father has been in and out. I just recently started well let me explain this. About 3 years ago I told his father that he confuses his son by coming in and out of his life. In order to keep seeing his son he had to be consistant in his life and pay his child support. He paid his child support for a little while and was seeing him regularly for about a month. Then on halloween 3 years ago he was supposed to pick him up never showed never called. The child support soon ended. Then started again about six moths ago. About a month ago my fiance said to me why dont you give him a chance. Now I tried to tell him how he was and he so didnt beleive me. He always trys to see the good in every body. I think he may be a little nieve. So for real I shouldnt have let him see him just to show my fiance, but I did. He came to pick him up a couple of times and all was well until one night he took my son over to his sisters house. Mind you the kid has not seen this women for years. He called me at about 2 in the morning to tell me his dad left him there and he was scared and wanted to come home. I new he was not in any harm so I talked him into staying. He came home the next day and was fine. So three weeks ago he went to dis dads again and all was well. My son then had plans for the next two weekends, going to my mother inlaws and then last weekend going to my mothers to stay for the weekend. So when his father dropped him off three weeks ago he has said to me and I quote "since I am not going to see him for the next two weekends I would like to pick him up one night this week and take him out and get him sneakers and then I will take him in two weeks for the weekend". Which brings me to the altercation tonight.

Now mind you he never called my son to tell him he no longer was going to pick him up during the week and take him to get sneakers he just never showed up and my son called him and he never called him back. Since Friday my son has been calling him and with no reponce keeps calling him. He has called his dads girl friend so many times that she changed he phone number yesterday. He has called the house and left several messages and no one will call him back. I keep letting him call because if I say no dont call then I become the bad guy. Well Saterday night he finally awnsered the phone terlling my son he would call him back in an hour after he gets his baby to sleep. Well my son came out of his room asking me when an hour was and I told him. The kid waited up for the hour and of course Dad never called back.He then called him and was again unsuccesful in talking to him. Well then comes today he has called several times at 10:00 am his dads girlfriend told my son to call back he was still sleeping at 10:30 his dad told him he would be over in an hour to get him. In an hour he called his dad again and no answer of course. Then around 2:00 he called again and his dad told him he had to go to a baby shower and he would pick him up after that. No show again! Then Now 9:00 I called. I told him at least tell the kid you cant pick him up. Dont lead him on to believe your getting him. OH the kicker my son wrote his father a note in the afternoon "DAad you are the best dad ever I love you" with stickers all over it. Well this is what his father said to me.

"Oh fucking well if I cant get the fucking kid oh fucking well, If I am a scrumbag oh fucking well, I have a life to"

Then he hung up the phone. I dont know if I should have however I told my son what he said. My son needs to know what kind of person his dad is and that it is not me beng the mean mom not letting him see his dad.

So like I said I hate that my kids have to suffer the consenquences of my bad actions in the past.

Melissa

My Life Very Complicated

Well I have never blogged before, however sometimes everyone needs an outlet. My life is very simple, but complicated and hectic at all times. I have four children three girls age 9, and twins 7 months one boy age 7. So any mother will no that it is very hard being a mother let alone a mother of twins.

I am in the process of buying a house. I make settlement on Thursday, I am very nervous and excited at the same time. I lay in bed and racing through my head is where I am going to put this and where I am going to put that. Is my bed going to look right at this angle and is my 9 year old going to let me decorate her room or is she going to want to use her imagination and create something crazy and far from my approval. The house is beautiful. A great starter home, I am completley in love with it. I keep thinking something is going to go wrong and we are not going to get it, god I will lose my mind and be so depressed if something happens.

So today I went out looking for furniture for my living room because I am dead set on getting new furniture because I refuse to put the things I have now in a new living room. I went to Raynmour and Fannigan (very high priced for a mother of four kids who is buying her first home), Ashley Furniture, Boscov's, and Macy's.I dont know what is wrong with this economy however before we decided to be home owners we had credit and now we were turned down at Ashley and only allowed to go up to 5000 at Raynmour. The 5000 would have been perfect however we already have a bedroom set we are paying on that was 3500 and the set we picked out today was 2700 needles to say we were over.

I know we should probably wait to buy these things however we are very excited and we want what we want when we want it.

So anyway like I said I have never blogged before so I will probably be all over the place but maybe after a few entries they will become some what easier or should I say ensync or something.

So after the long hours of picking furniture and getting denied, I came home to my very cramped high priced two bedroom apartment and ate my life away.

My son must have came in and asked a million ane one times the famous "mom can I". God am I glad he is asleep now. I will tell you sometimes it is very trying being a parent. My twins are hard to handle but the older two are worse sometimes. Did you get a shower and they dont get in after i say did you get one then I have to tell them to get a shower. Then theres a puddle of water on the floor and they always scream "mom can you get me towel". You would think the 100th time of asking me for a towel that one time they would remember to get themselves one before they get in the shower. Thean into bed and I can always count on the aches and pains starting. At bed time they always have somthing wrong with them, or they are thirsty or hungry it is always something.

Then after they go to bed it is finally me time for the next two hours until one of the babies wake up.This time I spend with my fiance a man that I beleive if I did not love him no one would. He is just like one of the kids, but what would I do without him. I must complain about this man twenty four hours a day but would not give him up for the life of me. He is such a different person I have never met anyone like him. He is what keeps me going on most days. His love for me. It means so much to a women to be loved and he shows me love. Don't get me wrong we have our difficulties but all couples do. I just know that when the kids are grown and gone he is who I want to wake up with and go out to breakfast. He is the one I want to lay in bed with at night and reminis (however you spell it) about the things we did when we first met, and how things have changed.

He is a person no one understands but me, and on somedays I dont understand him I just no that he is a great man, who has a big heart and when I look at him with his girls I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

So guess this is it for my first blog, maybe they will get better and more on topic as I go but this is it for tonight.

Goodnight